It's Easter. How grateful I am for this day where the world celebrates and remembers (even through commercialism) the Savior's resurrection.
In Gospel Doctrine today, the question was asked, "why don't we have special Sunrise Services, or change our schedules for Easter Sunday"? The answer was immediately in my mind, and I raised my hand. I commented that in our church we focus on the Savior's life and his atonement and his resurrection on a regular basis, so the need to set aside one day is not as great as for those who might only think about these things once a year (my friend Jane said that when she was growing up, they called themselves "Creaster's" ~ they went to church on Christmas and Easter).
I woke up this morning with the same awareness the anticipation for this day has had: that it would mark the 11th anniversary of the death of my mother, though this is the first time, because of Leap Year, that April 12th is on Easter Sunday again. I've known that today would come for probably six years. One of the downsides to paying attention to dates like I do...
It's such a strange irony that the day my mom died is celebrated for the very reason I know I'll have her back someday.
I have been weighed down with what feels like an awful lot of failure these past several days ~ failing at an exercise program that has completely gone by the wayside, not to mention any accompanying weight loss; failing at any sort of discipline whether spiritual or in the schedule of activity in maintaining my home; and a terrified feeling that the new business we are trying to get off the ground and all the dreams we're making with it's success, will only fail.
I've also felt a nearly unbearable tiredness in my own every day battles ~ taking great care of two small children and not having slept more than a few hours at a time in nearly eight months; the financial juggle we've been dealing with the last two years; and again being constant in the maintinance of my home.
However, in the midst of my sorrow and frustration over my weaknesses and through the thickness of the haze of tiredness , there has been that ever-present feeling of my Heavenly Father's love for me. I know he wants me to come to Him. I know he wants me to succeed. He did NOT send me here to fail in my mission.
As I went to Him this morning it was the words to a song that came to my mind. There has been only one other time that I remember having a song answer my prayer, but what a powerful reminder and /or comfort these words have brought.
I heard this morning the words, "Go In Peace".
These were the words the Savior said to the woman of questionable morality. She knew her sins were many and sings of the weight that is lifted off of her when He sees good in her and tells her to "go in peace."
What a sigh of calm and comfort I felt as these words washed over me and my mind began to chew on them.
Peace brings to mind thoughts on what it is exactly, and what it is not. The opposite of peace is fear. Fear is not something the Lord instills, rather that is from the adversary. My grandma Ruby marked all of the "fear not" and "fear thou not" phrases in her bible, and they are many. Constantly the Lord tells us to be not afraid. "Be not afraid, only believe" he says in the New Testament. Not hard to remember, but easy to forget when we get caught up and lose perspective a bit.
It is not my morality that is in question, but those words to "go in peace" have brought great comfort to me today.
How grateful I am that the Savior's atonement means that I can overcome my weaknesses. How wonderful to know that because the Savior took up his mortal body into immortality, I will see again those whom I love but whose time on the earth has already ended.
With peace comes a renewed sense of determination, and a willingness to act in faith, even when I'm not sure of the path ahead, or really feel up to the challenge walking that path might bring. Thank goodness for Alma 32 that describes the power in exercising even a tiny bit of faith.
I have a desire to gain in knowlegde; to draw closer to my Heavenly Father; to reap the benefits of teaching my children well and being an example in word and deed. I have a desire to serve, to be a useful tool for Him. "when ye are in the service of your fellow being, ye are only in the service of your God." (Mosiah 2:17). I know that service is the purpose to life.
Tonight I am rejuvenated in spirit. Willing to exercise that portion of faith so that I might fulfill the mission I am on the earth to accomplish. Have these challenges gone away? No. But with an improved sense of self and a knowledge that I do not have to do any of this alone, I will begin.
So tonight, I "Go In Peace".