Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I Can't Remember

As I was doing my hair this morning, I was thinking about the day ahead and my mind flashed to the last few days as well.
Sunday was a rough day. While I didn't have a moment to pull Kurt aside and let him put his arms around me while I cried, the words came to mind many times throughout the day, "this is really really hard. this is a tough day."
Something about admitting it consciously rather than enduring it made a difference.
I've written already about the words I heard as I prayed. This morning as I tried to remember some of my very sharp feelings and aches I felt on Sunday, I couldn't remember.
I remember the day being rough. I remember looking at the clock several times during the day and thinking, "eleven years ago right now...."
At 1:30 she was standing my kitchen. We were talking about Easter dinner at Kurt's parents house. Dinner was at 5pm.
At 3:40 she died, while I was taking a nap.
At 5:00 we were racing to get out the door to Kurt's folks' house, eventually coming upon big orange cones and Sheriff's car parked on Hwy 55, blocking us from turning and going the way we usually do.
At 5:25 we pulled up in front of their house (I know that was the time because I looked at the clock in the car). When my mom's truck wasn't there, I thought she'd left because we were late. She wouldn't have gone in without us being there.
At about 6 I got the news.

As I was going to bed Sunday night my mind did the "eleven years ago today...." one more time. I would go to bed and get a good night's sleep, but eleven years ago that was not the case.

At 1:30am we got home again (finally finding the courage to come home) to see her things on my kitchen table. I found a box right away and put those things in it ~ her new Mary Kay purchases, some papers I think. I don't know why I needed to put them away so fast, but a part of me that I am not proud of was glad to finally have my table back. We'd battled about her putting her things somewhere else. I'd even made a spot on a shelf nearby, but she didn't want to move anything.

Her pillow was still sitting on the couch where she slept. At some point I went over and smelled it. It still smelled like her. I'm really glad I did that because when I got up a a few hours later to feed Kathryn, that smell was gone.
It was easy that night to imagine that she was at work ~ she worked all night at the hospital ~ and that she would be home in the morning. Not having her in the room didn't make reality sink in any that night.
For the first and only time I can remember in my entire life, I laid down in my bed and did not go to sleep. Kurt put his arm around me, I curled up in the place where his arm meets his body, and we just talked. I don't remember about what exactly except that he shared how he just wanted to put his arms around me enough to take some of the pain I was feeling away. I know I felt that way about having to tell the rest of my family.
Spare them if I could just hurt in their place.
Finally about 4:30, we slept a little.
Kathryn got up at six, and I turned on the TV to see the morning news. The story was told; her name was shown on the screen as the person who had died. There.
That was reality.
I have digressed...

As I was doing my hair this morning, I was trying to remember the pain I felt on Sunday. This Sunday ~ two days ago. And I couldn't remember it. I searched for those feelings because I felt that writing about them would help, and I wanted to put some words to them so I could prepare for what I would write.

But I still couldn't remember them.

In the scriptures we know that the Lord eases the burdens of those who call up Him. The people of Alma were persecuted to the point that Amulon set guards around them to prevent them from praying publicly. Mosiah 24:12 reads, 'And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts.'
The Lord heard the people of Alma as they poured out their hearts to Him. The Lord heard me as I poured my heart out to Him, confessing my shortcomings and telling him of the sadness and ache I felt in missing my mom on this anniversary of her death.

Verse 13: 'And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covnant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.' READ: "Go In Peace".
Not only does the Lord hear the cries of the people of Alma, but he promises them that everything will be alright.

Verse 14: 'And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.'
I can testify that this is true. The Lord does hear our prayers, he does visit us in our afflictions. Today I know that he can ease our budens so that we might not be able to feel them upon our backs. I know this because today I cannot feel any part of the pain and the ache I felt on Sunday.
Verse 14 is in the future tense, still something the Lord is going to do. Verse 15 tells us He follows through on His promise: 'And now it came to pass that the budens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their budens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.'

I know that the Lord loves us. Loves me. He knows who I am. He knows what I need and as I allow Him to guide me, he has blessings to bestow. My blessing today is not being able to remember.

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